Psychology tells me (and I know just enough psychology to be dangerous – haha!) that when you are feeling bad and contemplating doing something really stupid/spontaneous/self-injurious that you should apply distractions to help you cope. My distractions are, for the most part, unsatisfactory. I cross-stitch, read books for pleasure, watch tv, go on walks. I get bored of them easily. I feel like I need a new outlet. Maybe this blog? I don’t know. I don’t know how many times I can write about how depressed I feel, how anxious I am, and how I am trying to have hope.
I did something pretty stupid yesterday. Hurt myself a bit. Nothing too serious, more to see if I could FEEL anything. It worked, a little. But I didn’t get the endorphin rush I wanted, and I didn’t feel better afterward. So that didn’t work either. I am squeamish about blood, but I wanted some pain. Haven’t really figured out what to do instead. Is there a substitute for pain? A distraction that will let me feel? Because I feel pretty damn numb right now, and maybe worse than that, starting to lose hope. I understand why self-injury works for some people, because they can’t release pain, and a physical way of doing it is a good substitute. There are socially-acceptable ways to put your body through pain, like holding ice cubes until you can’t anymore, or extreme exercise. That doesn’t appeal to me either. The truth is, nothing appeals to me anymore. I can’t even cry. I’m just… there. Blah.
Maybe one of these days I won’t be blah. Until then, one foot in front of the other. Repeat.