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What’s your distraction?

Psychology tells me (and I know just enough psychology to be dangerous – haha!) that when you are feeling bad and contemplating doing something really stupid/spontaneous/self-injurious that you should apply distractions to help you cope.  My distractions are, for the most part, unsatisfactory.  I cross-stitch, read books for pleasure, watch tv, go on walks.  I get bored of them easily.  I feel like I need a new outlet.  Maybe this blog?  I don’t know.  I don’t know how many times I can write about how depressed I feel, how anxious I am, and how I am trying to have hope.

I did something pretty stupid yesterday.  Hurt myself a bit.  Nothing too serious, more to see if I could FEEL anything.   It worked, a little. But I didn’t get the endorphin rush I wanted, and I didn’t feel better afterward.  So that didn’t work either.  I am squeamish about blood, but I wanted some pain. Haven’t really figured out what to do instead.  Is there a substitute for pain? A distraction that will let me feel? Because I feel pretty damn numb right now, and maybe worse than that, starting to lose hope.  I understand why self-injury works for some people, because they can’t release pain, and a physical way of doing it is a good substitute.  There are socially-acceptable ways to put your body through pain, like holding ice cubes until you can’t anymore, or extreme exercise.   That doesn’t appeal to me either.  The truth is, nothing appeals to me anymore. I can’t even cry. I’m just… there. Blah.

Maybe one of these days I won’t be blah. Until then, one foot in front of the other. Repeat.


6 thoughts on “What’s your distraction?

  1. A tattoo would be painful . . . but you might really regret doing something permanent like that when you’re this down. This post actually scared me. I hope the self-hurting thing has been ruled out as a distraction? My distractions are walking, running, playing games on my phone while I lie in bed (not so healthy), and wandering through the Goodwill store for something fun. Have you tried geocaching?

  2. I have been where you are. I was a cutter a long time ago. I did it for the same reasons you describe. Distractions are so good, if they work! Trick is finding one that really fills the space. I found trail running. I exert aggressive energy, but more importantly I have to truly focus on the path in front of me or I could fall. It gets me out of my head. I blast music in my headphones at the same time. Does music help you at all?

  3. My distractions are the same as yours, except I don’t cross-stitch. Listening to music that I haven’t heard in a long time, something that’s just mine (usually my husband picks the music) helps a lot. Put on cheesy dance or pop music on Youtube and dance around, even if you have to force yourself (I know, easier said than done). Think of a time when you were happy/satisfied/content and think about what elements contributed to that feeling. Web comics- XKCD, Cyanide and Happiness, Married to the Sea are a few that I like.

    It’s tough…I’m trying to feel okay, too.

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