Does that make sense? I am just there. Not happy. Not terribly optimistic. But existing, sometimes peacefully, at moments. Then there are times when the agitation comes back. I just want to scream! Everyone’s voice grates me. The dogs’ barking goes right through me. I don’t want to answer the phone or read a book. Or do anything.
So I go through the motions, get up, drink coffee, force down breakfast and my iron pill. Take my meds. I might sit there for awhile, read news online, check Facebook. As often as not, I go back to bed. The new med is making me quite sleepy. I need at least 9 hours sleep. And often, a nap for at least an hour in the afternoon. Seems like a lot, and it gets me down. I keep thinking what a waste of time sleep is. And how if I was at a full-time job, how would I manage?
Tomorrow marks 3 weeks on the remeron. I am definitely more sedate in a general sense. Especially if I take my clonazepam, which I’m supposed to do, but I still struggle with, because then I feel especially stoned. It works for the general anxiety, but the cost is great. I am definitely more foggy when I take it.
I have had more than a few good moments in the past two weeks, so there is reason to be optimistic. My partner and I went camping for a long weekend and it was a lot of fun. Sunny and warm where we went. I am feeling blue again now, as we are back to the grey, foggy city. Sometimes I really hate living here. It’s just so dark, rain, drizzle and fog. For days on end. It really gets to me.
Anyway, I see my new psychiatrist again tomorrow. I will tell him about the increased sleep and see what he says. It’s really going much better than before, even though I don’t feel well today. Maybe there is something to keep me more alert, or maybe he will reduce the prozac.
Made a little progress on a chapter for my thesis. I feel a bit like it’s pulling teeth. And my motivation is still lacking.
I know depression doesn’t go away fully. I am trying to learn a bit about mindfulness. Maybe if I can learn how to practice it, it will help. Meanwhile, if you could say a little prayer, or send a good healing vibe for me, I sure would appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.
My dogs in the trailer, looking cute.