Agitated

Wow am I having a few shitty days. I am really agitated and nervous the majority of the time, except for when I am really depressed. Today marks week 5 of taking wellbutrin on top of prozac. I know it’s supposed to take a while to achieve full efficacy but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Then again, it could very well be the wellbutrin that is making me feel so agitated. One more week and I have my appointment with my GP, and I will get the recommendations from the psychiatrist and we can put a plan in place for meds. My guess is that I will restart the clonazapam (I hope so) and maybe replace the wellbutrin with something else. There is no doubt in my mind that the depression is improving but I’m still having these rotten mood swings. I am not bipolar, says the psych, but these mood swings seem pretty frequent to me. Maybe a mood stabilizer to even me out?

I am so goddamn sick of this. I am sick of being patient. I am sick of trying to get in to see my dr,  psychiatrist, psychologist.

My psychologist M says that I have to accept who I am. Why should I, when I feel so inherently flawed? Why should I accept this mental illness? Why, because it’s never going away? That’s just fucking wonderful.

Acceptance. Management. Patience. Mindfulness. Peace.

All that is fine and well, great concepts and all, but damn hard to put into place when you are ill.

It’s a damn catch-22. You can see more of this concept in Jon D. Allen’s book,  Coping with Depression.  Coping with Depression

It’s a great book,  but as he highlights, it’s very hard to do the things you need to do when you are sick.

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