Tomorrow’s the day

Second psych consult tomorrow. I feel like puking, I’m so nervous. Of course that’s part of the anxiety I have about pretty much everything. I feel the depression is really lifting, but I’m terrified it’s going to come back.  Anxiety and depression go hand in hand. One often leads to the other. In my case, I’ve been anxious since childhood. But the depression didn’t come until much later. Now I’m 35 and I’ve had four major depressive episodes. The more often you have them, unfortunately, the more likely they are to return, even without warrant.

So tomorrow I see the psychiatrist, and see if he tells me anything different. I do not want to wait my life out, waiting for the next episode. I want the depression and anxiety under control. I am working on the ruminations with my psychologist, but I know I need meds. My mind just won’t quiet with all the worries, going round and round like the proverbial hamster wheel.

I’ve been on some form of antidepressant for the better part of ten years. Sigh. God that sounds bad. But without them, I fear I would be much worse. So I’ve come to accept the pills.

Let’s see what the good dr says to me tomorrow.

Meanwhile, one week on the super duper iron pills from hell and I’ve puked three times.  Fun.


Anxiety, obsession and anemia

I had more disturbing thoughts yesterday. Of the kind that you dare not write down, for fear of them coming true. Or, that you will make them come true. The psychiatrist says that these thoughts are not ocd,  but anxiety. But, I sure do obsess about them. To give you an example, I obsess that my dogs are going to get stolen from the yard. Yes, I know this is highly unlikely. Or that they will escape. Even though we have a 6 foot fence. That goes right to the ground. And a locked gate. This is so worrisome for me, that most days I stand at the door and watch them when they are outside. I am unable to relax if I can’t see them. I am working on doing things inside while they are out (like going to the bathroom,  or doing laundry) but I find it very tough. And my youngest dog just loves to be outside. It’s a shame for her, not to mention a drain on me.

My anxiety was extremely high yesterday. I did things to try and relax, like go look at the ocean, and read, but that didn’t help. Then my anxiety went through the roof when I got a call from my dr’s office asking if I could come in to discuss my latest bloodwork. The secretary did not say “nothing to worry about”, which she has in the past when it was something minor.

Well, I freaked out.  Called my partner on the phone and started to cry. She calmed me down a little and suggested I call the office back and ask to speak to the dr myself. So I did. Unfortunately the dr was gone for the day, but I got the secretary I knew, and I started to cry again, and told her about my severe anxiety and how I didn’t think I could wait days to get the results from my dr. She was very understanding, and glanced through the results for me, reassuring me it was nothing to worry about except low ferritin and hemoglobins. So, I’m anemic. I go to see the dr on Wednesday to find out about treatment.

Then I started doing some research. Apparently, anemia can present some of the same symptoms as anxiety and depression. Well. I don’t know if that can explain all that’s going on with me, and I doubt it would cause it, but maybe if I get my iron stores back up, I will start to feel better? I will do anything, even eat liver if I have to (gag).

Iron deficiency article describing symptoms that present as depression

Anyway, today is another day. Still taking the wellbutrin, prozac and clonazepam. Still waiting for the 2nd psych consult. Still impatient about only seeing my therapist every two weeks. Still impatient about getting better.

A few pics of my beloved ocean, taken yesterday.