Appointment with Psychiatrist and Santa

No, I’m not delusional or hallucinating. Santa really was there! A two foot tall standing ornament.  I guess a psychiatrist’s office that is too busy to de-Christmas (in June) is a good sign. Or,  as a friend said, it’s just a “really good conversation starter”!

The appointment went well.  Much better than the first psychiatrist I met. This guy actually asked me what my symptoms were, and focused on how I was feeling now, as opposed to my childhood. He asked relevant questions, and all in all,I left with a much better feeling than I had with the first one. It pays to listen to your gut, and get a second opinion if need be.

So, he agreed with me that the wellbutrin was too activating for me, and that it might have actually increased my agitation level. Apparently 20% of patients react poorly to the wellbutrin.  We are going to keep me on the prozac and clonazepam for now, and add mirtazapine. That might work. It will be more calming than the wellbutrin for sure. He wants me to come back in 3 wks, and he told me to be persistent with calling his secretary if I felt any really bad side effects like suicidal thoughts, and he would get me in.

I have hope. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt that, and it feels good. This dr said that it would be possible for me to finish my thesis, get out of the depressive/anxious state,  and actually concentrate. What a concept. I look forward to it.

I also got a diagnosis. Major Depressive Disorder with likely Generalised Anxiety Disorder as well. For some reason, a diagnosis helps. Just the label, I guess, makes it less of a mystery, less scary. He does not think I am Bipolar II; the sheer lack of any manic symptoms prevents that diagnosis. The agitation is likely due to the anxiety.

I apologize if I’m being repetitive, but I’m excited and hopeful. Tonight I start the remeron (mirtazapine) and maybe I will get some rest. Maybe this one will work.

Meanwhile, here’s Santa. Happy Christmas in June?

image

I had a good session.

Today I met with my psychologist M. We were meeting weekly for the first month of this episode, this time it was 10 days in between sessions, and next time it will be two weeks in between. It’s important I not become too dependent. Which kind of sucks because my hour with him is an outlet that has been unsurpassably valuable.  Crucial even. And if I could see him weekly, I would. Alas, he’s not in private practice, it’s public health care.

I digress. I had a good session. How does one identify a good session? Well, each session is bound to be different, but for me, I like it when I come to some realization that I hadn’t thought of before. Or when M helps me to see that there are other ways of looking at things. This past 6 weeks have been hard, because of the depression. When you are down in the depths of hell, it’s hard to come to realizations. I would just go into my session and cry. And beg for relief from pain. And M would tell me it would get better and I wouldn’t believe him because I had no hope.

Today was different. Today I believed him.

The wellbutrin is making me overly agitated, so I’m taking the clonazepam again, because I think that my GP will tell me to do that anyway. M told me that I am the expert on my body, and that we WILL come up with the right combination of meds. He sees a difference in me. He has faith.

And I believe him. Even if it’s only for a few hours, or a day, it’s a nice feeling.

image

And Sesame Street bandaids make me feel better about scratching the shit out of my arm. Yes, there have been elements of self-injury. But it’s not a road I want to go down, and it didn’t give me the release I thought it would anyway. I just felt guilty for doing it.  I addressed it in session today, and I will be working on it.

Today I have hope.