Sad

Meds update. I’ve been on remeron for 5 weeks now. I see a big difference. I am able to do work again. The crying spells have lifted almost completely. I still have what I call “blue funks” (my own combination of anger/irritability/sadness) but not as frequently. I still have general anxiety daily so I’m continuing on with the clonazepam on a low dose. The addition of remeron was making me quite sleepy with the prozac and clonazepam, so the psychiatrist lowered the prozac dose by 20 mgs. Since the prozac has a long half-life in your system I’m only starting to see a difference now in regards to sleeping, after a week. I’m taking fewer naps and I’m getting a full 8 hours of solid sleep each night. Granted I have bizarre dreams, but it’s a side-effect that is not a deal breaker. Oh,  and I’ve put on 10 lbs. I’m trying to exercise more to combat the weight gain that remeron can (and has) caused. Also because exercise is “good” for me. Blah.

But what I really want to write about is that my therapy with M has ended. I’m pretty upset about it. Two weeks ago he told me that he had done all he could for me, that we have used all the resources available to us and that it was up to me to do the work, outside of sessions. It really came out of left field for me. Of course I didn’t expect therapy to go on forever, but I don’t think I am ready to leave the proverbial nest quite yet, either. I feel like there’s a ways for me to go yet, in terms of learning to cope with daily situations, work on my thesis, and especially in terms of my personal relationships. He thinks he’s done all he can.

I’m not sure I buy it. Maybe it’s because I don’t want the sessions to end, because I’m losing my support system. He wants me to lean on friends. I told him I didn’t have any local friends that I felt I could share my deepest feelings with, and he told me it was time to reach out, make new friends, outside of my partner and sister. I have no idea how to do that.

Maybe it’s my ego talking, but part of me wonders if he felt anything for me, beyond being just another client. Could that have been why? Or maybe he terminated sessions with me because he saw that I was starting to care too much for him. Not romantically, but as a friend, instead of a therapist. And therapists frown on that sort of thing. Maybe that’s why I feel like I was dumped.

He knows I’m upset and not ready to let go.  We talked about it for the entire session today, our last session. After our time was up, he shook my hand. He refused a hug.  It’s over.

And I’m more than a little sad and confused. He was my shoulder, and now I don’t have one anymore.

 

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